Confessions Of Recovered Anorexic, What People Don't know:
Let me first address this post will be very raw, & vulnerable:
With everyone doing the 10 year transformation posts I thought this would be a good time.
When you see a skinny person there are typically two thoughts that run through someones head, "Wow I wish I looked like that". Or, "Wow that person needs to gain weight". Both are phrases I heard throughout my years as an #anorexic.
You see from probably 2012-2014 ish I chased "skinny". I dropped from 125 ibs. in high school (Which fun fact is my current weight now) to a scary 80 ibs. (For reference too I am 5'6). My day was fueled off of water, diet dr. peppers, and a salad more often than not pair that with running 6 miles a day..well you get the idea.
On the outside to most, I just looked thin. The amount of times I would hear, "You should eat a hamburger". Or, "It's just a piece of cake, why can't you be like everyone else" exceeded both hands easily. The truth is, it's more than just being "thin". Anorexia is a paralyzing feeling that most don't understand.
What people don't know about having an eating disorder:
You are constantly in a battle with yourself, and you are the abuser in that relationship as well as the recipient.
It's not a "diet". This is one thing in your life you control when everything feels like it's going to sh*t.
It is the thing that you take pride in being able to control (weight wise) even though you technically have no control on the damage it does to you.
This voice you hear is loud more often than not telling you that you're too fat, you're not good enough.
There's this sickening euphoria of happiness when you see a new "low weigh in".
This low weigh in also lets that voice calm down enough to say, "Okay girl you can have breakfast".
Glamour is not the case. No periods, brittle nails, hair thinning under the age of 22..
When people say, "Go eat a hamburger" you literally wanna punch someone. Trust me, if I could I would have loved to have been like all my friends enjoying food.
You know there's a problem, but saying you're fine is easier to manage.
#Life has to be routine, and when it's not you stress out more.
Dating is a joke, because what you thought would bring you confidence is actually a turn off to people. (Being that thin i definitely had guys say no to a date with me).
Exercise is punishment when the scale wasn't dropping or you ate "more" than that voice said you could.
Your friends don't say much, because well there's not much they can say.
Being cold all the time SUCKS.
Your image of yourself is warped. EX: think of a couch being blue, you know it's blue but for some reason you call it red. You know you're too thin, but for some reason you insist on saying you're fat.
When you do decide to recover you can't "just eat". Your stomach has shrank so much that eating more all at once actually makes you sick. (Hello liquid calories.. yay).
You've built so many food fears, that even a nibble of one can spark the voices.
However there is a beautiful side on going through it:
When you finally decide to recover, it's like a tiger has emerged inside of you.
Once you hit rock bottom (for me seeing a girl hospitalized and almost die) your drive to beat the damn thing sky rockets.
You see the world differently, almost like you're truly living for the first time.
Your confidence grows, and the love you find for yourself is like never before.
Getting your period back makes you cry like a kid on Christmas. (At least the first month LOL).
That voice you once had, well lets just say it gets squashed.
You'll find foods you never knew you liked are amazing.
I say this because I want to be a voice. Also, I want to shed some light because I know most can't relate. One of my closest friends told me that unlike others, "I get it". While you might want to help, or try to help..truth is you don't understand. (Not to sound like a jerk because that's not what I mean). You don't know the thoughts that go through our heads, and I wouldn't change any of what I went through. My journey has made me stronger than ever, and now it has lead me to find a passion in helping others.
If I can be a voice for those struggling then my heart is full.